Jimmy the Stockboy

We begin our first post with the 1990 holiday comedy film, Home Alone. And our special character for this reading? Jimmy the Stockboy!

Jimmy the Stockboy

“I wish my life was more exciting…”

Our intrepid, small-time character works at the local Hubbard Woods Pharmacy, spending his days ensuring the store shelves are stocked with the reliable Ultra Pampers Plus, Cheese Puffs, and knock-off Ray-Bans; essentially what every consumer needs in a suburban Chicago town. The most excitement he probably sees in his life comes from his Nintendo Entertainment System and the occasional angry glare from Old Lady Cashier.

Old Lady Cashier

“I look into your future… And see community college and McDonald’s manager.”

How does Jimmy the Stockboy get dragged into Kevin McCallister’s shenanigans? Well, Kevin was looking at nothing more than purchasing an American Dental Association-approved toothbrush from Old Lady Cashier. But then this guy showed up:

Marley the Old Man

“I remember when I was Old Whistling Man back in Close Encounters…”

You see, Kevin has a fear of Marley the Former Whistling Man from that Spielberg Alien Movie because of a false murder tale that Kevin’s older brother shared with him. Naturally, Kevin backed the frak up and out of this prickly situation.

Backing the frak up

“I- I only wanted to keep my oral health in good shape.”

Of course, Kevin didn’t get a chance to purchase his toothbrush from Old Lady Cashier, which lead him to becoming Chicago’s leading toothbrush-raiding criminal. It was here where Old Lady Cashier screamed out to Jimmy to stop the boy, which gave Jimmy his one and only heroic shot:

The Hero Shot

“I’ll beat the sh*t out of that 8-year old to get that toothbrush back!”

Kevin had a pretty decent lead of about 20 feet already by the time Jimmy took off running…

Jimmy does his best

Logic by Jimmy: Screaming at a frightened 8-year old should get him to stop.

But rather than closing the distance, he stops and stars longingly into the distance:

 

I have the same face if someone tries to explain calculus.

“OMG a flock of seagulls!”

But really it’s a cop he sees, who’s perfectly and physically capable of running down an 8-year old boy.

 

Handing out tickets since the summer of '66.

“We rolling?”

Jimmy the Stockboy then follows up with his only line that doesn’t involve screaming “Hey!,” pointing out to poor, little Kevin with those dreaded words “Shoplifter!” screaming into the brisk morning.

 

That's the look of vengeance in his eyes.

“Little sh*t stole a 25 cent toothbrush!”

So suburban Chicago’s finest gives a brief foot chase through a crowded ice skating rink before being knocked out my an amateur hockey player. So where’s Jimmy in all of this?

Jimmy would be horrible at track & field.

Oh yeah, still staring longingly into the distance.

 

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